Having once been a man, I can say that one of the hardest pills to swallow for a young man is when he sees all the aggressive, obnoxious guys getting the girls while he and his buddies remain in oblivion. It’s not so much shaming men telling them are girly, it’s shaming them indirectly by making them irrelevant. A simple example is think about who wins in a loud bar especially when there is dancing. That environment is designed to reward those who are aggressive, overtly sexual, and showy in their clothes and demeanor. And of course, the really good looking guys. And the regular charming, nice guys are irrelevant, they are used to actually talking to people and getting to know them before putting on their sex moves. So you gotta wonder, why do girls like that scene so much, or do they feel like that’s what they’re supposed to do? Online dating isn’t all that much different, as well as many other venues for meeting people. Or take a look at the movie Fifty Shades of Gray — where a smart and vivacious woman wanted the creepy asshole billionaire. Why would she want to hang out with that creep?…Because — well he’s a billionaire. (Not to mention that real BDSM is not really like that, Hollywood typically depicts things as the opposite of what they are really like, making us more ignorant not more knowledgable, and essentially programming our behavior).
So how does the above scene make a “nice” guy feel? He may change his behavior and act like an aggressive obnoxious guy thinking that’s what he needs to do, or worse yet BECOME a REALLY FRUSTRATED aggressive, obnoxious guy. Or he may turn in on himself and focus on his hobbies and guy friends, and became more aloof in his demeanors with his self confidence destroyed. He may become a porn addict. He may even become gay or become a woman like in my case.
Prehistoric men were not initially aggressive. It’s when we moved from Hunter Gatherers to agriculture when it really started. With agriculture you needed to protect your new assets (farms, animals, storage) and people are then living closer together so there is much more competition against the worse enemy of all, other humans. So a filter is created…the more aggressive and powerful men start to win. And it also makes sense in that environment for women to prefer such men. Today’s environment is not much different. Most of us have our basic needs met, but to thrive in the sense of having free time to pursue hobbies and not have to slug away at a crappy job with a crappy boss requires intense focus, not to mention trying to get the attention of the opposite(or same) sex in the online jungle.
Talk is cheap. Yes we shame boys and young men about “girly” behavior and that hurts them. But nothing hurts them more than making mate and sexual selection about money and power. So who is to blame here? Men? Women? Hollywood and the Media? The laws of nature?
