I’ve been on both side of this (I’ve dated women as a man and men as a woman) . It is extremely painful to be a man, knowing just how manipulative and sexist men are, and watching the biggest assholes consistently get more than their share of the women. And we see this kind of thing in the world outside sex all the time — at work, or just look at who is the president. So many men feel this way, but don’t speak about it that much because it sounds like sour grapes. It’s so incredibly painful and hard to believe, that it’s hard to see this from the woman’s point of view — they are getting blasted all the time with moves from aggressive guys who view their conversations with women as nothing more than a clever hustle, and have absolutely no compunction about basically lying through their teeth. There is so much noise out there, it’s hard to filter through all of it, and of course online dating has been making it much worse, it makes a cesspool look like chicken soup.
When I became a woman, the whole equation shifted from trying to figure out how to approach a woman romantically without seeming like another creep and the constant rejection, to learning how to say no…all the time. It’s hard to describe how different it is being a woman — I guess I felt like it was the first time I was in a seller in a tight real estate market vs. being a buyer vs. being a man where you are constantly frustrated from being invisible. At first I was totally unequipped to deal with it. I could not believe that women had to deal with this all the time. At first I was a part time woman, and I was relieved when I could escape and go back to being a man and have some peace. But on the flip side, it was so much easier to meet so many wonderful people in general, like probably 1000 fold, and I’m not exaggerating. I eventually learned the best way to say no, and I guess knowing men so well, and needing to play it especially safe (being trans), I was extremely careful from the very beginning. Plus my community was very supportive of this, it’s very hard being trans, and we work really hard to be so — perhaps there is a good sensibility developed from that (as long as you don’t get into the heavy drugs like so many of us t-girls do). Any red flag was cause to bail. And thankfully I never had any problems
In my case, I’m not looking for a relationship (I’ve had enough of that), just a few fuck buddies, so maybe that made it easier. The irony (if you can call it that), is that a model that many people seem to use (at least in San Francisco), is have casual sex first, and then if it works out, maybe think about dating. It’s sounds backwards, but has worked well for many people I know…people want relationships so badly, their expectations and desperation get their deep emotions going so strong, that clarity is lost.
As I look and compare being a man vs. being a woman, it’s hard to compare. It’s SO much easier for a woman to get a man (in my case 250X…I actually calculated it) that the skills and attitude required are completely different. A man has to fight to even get noticed, especially the average guy who isn’t really good looking. It’s hard to develop romantically and know what you want when you just don’t have enough opportunity to do so, and you end up settling before you really know what works best for you, which is one of the biggest reasons why men fail in relationships. Women on the other hand, have to navigate too many choices, that are broadly fall into two categories — casual sex and romance. And then we have to navigate which is which, as men are really good at feigning romance to just get sex. They’ve been learning how to do that their whole lives — Hollywood and advertising is really good at training them. I solved the problem by ditching romance almost completely, focusing on casual sex, and getting enough of it, where I’m no longer desperate and can make good decisions. Something that was impossible to do as a man.
