Please don’t get angry at me if I don’t understand what your saying

Happy New Year!

Now that it’s the new year, I got to thinking about those things that are most important. And not taking this particular variation of gaslighting is at the top of my list — because it is SO common, and because it impacts both your effectiveness and emotional well being.

Firstly, don’t do this to other people. That’s the easiest place to start, because there is only 1 person involved and you have TOTAL control over that. Now comes the much harder part, when people do that to you — and this will NEVER stop, it’s part of life. (But you can train people you interact with regularly to not do this). Either way, if it’s an important relationship or situation, you need a way to stop it (vs. just walking away) and bonus points if it is done in a way that makes it less likely for them to do it in the future.

The most effective way I found to diffuse this is to simply ask “Are you angry at me?”, and wait until they respond. This could take some time for them to respond, just wait (don’t go negative while waiting). That seems to work 95% of the time without you saying anything else — they realize their mistake, and they’re also less likely to do it again. If they say “no, but…”, that’s the same as “yes”, but you immediately know you’re gonna be fighting an uphill battle, so you need to assess how important this is to you vs. just walking away. If they don’t explain why they’re angry at you, ask them. If they say they are NOT angry with you, say “well, it seems that way to me”. Hopefully, they’ll get the message.

To help, consider all the reasons why they might be doing this, including the REAL ones that they might not be saying:

1. They are deliberately gaslighting you as a power control tactic.
2. Same as #1, but they are not aware of their behavior, it’s just how they secure power (This is most common). And they will do it unnecessarily all the time.
3. Now consider WHY they might be gaslighting you — They are trying to avoid accountability by using the resulting power to change the subject or not answer the question (e.g. because they don’t know the answer, or it will serve to incriminate them.)
4. Pure habit
5. They are stressed about this topic and they are taking it out on you
6. They really think you’re stupid — this combines well with the above items. This is most dangerous.
7. They enjoy it and / or they’re just an incorrigible asshole
8. You are being really stupid and / or you’ve asked this same question 20 times before
9. Others?

Some of these situations are very dangerous — e.g. in a work environment, especially with people who have power. In these cases, it must be nipped in the bud asap. There is NOTHING more important than taking care of this.

I’m the head of Cybersecurity and Risk Management for a $2B company, and this is an extremely important topic. The technology is the EASY part. Holding people accountable is the hardest.