So many variations of trans

One of the most difficult parts of describing yourself as trans person is it often confuses a lot of people who aren’t familiar with this world, or it confuses those who are but have different opinions about terminologies or labels.

I found this graphic on the following website to describe variations on “trans”: https://lgbt.foundation/who-we-help/trans-people/non-binary

This is NOT a definitive way to categorize “trans” variations. There are plenty of other ways to categorize “trans”. But none of them are definitive (although sadly, some people think their version is definitive and anybody else who says otherwise is totally wrong, totally evil, and should be canceled).

The most important point of attempting to categorize these variations is simply that there are variations, and that in of itself creates an interesting framework for discussing this fascinating world and learning about the way different people live their lives.

I identify as trans. I also identify as non-binary. I’ve been living in this world for 16 years, and I still don’t know which of these two terms better describes me. Because that’s not important, what’s important is that I have characteristics of both of these.

Sadly, I’ve personally gotten more vitriol from trans people who claim I’m not trans, than I have from cis people. What’s really happening is that their definition of trans is different from mine, and they resent that I’m implying that we are exactly the same. Which I’m not. I’m simply using a term which we share, a term that has many variations. I understand why they might be upset, because it’s certainly true that although I’m not implying that we are exactly same, many cis people might think that we are, simply because they don’t have the same level of experience with trans that we trans folks do.

Let me provide some examples based off my personal experience. After getting divorced from a woman (when I was a man), I moved from the suburbs of San Francisco to the city, where I lived 1 block from the Transsexual/TS/T-girl (again many terms here) Bar Divas for 15 years. Divas was one of the most famous such bars in the world, and I got to meet so many trans folks and their admirers. Divas was a kind of “trans town square” where people went to meet trans folks for all kinds of reasons. The First Floor was mostly working girls and their johns, where drag queens would perform, and where people who had never been there before would get acquainted with this unique place. The Fourth Floor was a quiet lounge, where a lot of people who were interested in the trans lifestyle would go to meet and chat — the working girls rarely went up there. The Third floor was a dance floor, and the Second Floor was for private dances, and was important in keeping Divas open after the Internet killed San Francisco alternative night life (because people started meeting online and Tech drove up rents).

I had the opportunity to see so many variations of trans folks, and I found that trans folks at Divas fell into roughly the following categories (I’m summarizing this from a book “Girl Shock!” I wrote about my experiences in San Francisco). This is not a definitive list, nor does it represent a statistical analysis of categories of trans folks. It is simply my personal observation from a very vibrant and well-known community — so it’s interesting for discussion purposes and learning a little more about trans folks. Anybody who wants to do a more robust analysis of this should seek a variety of sources.

· Full-time trans women — working girls: Many of the girls at Divas were working girls who had extensive surgery. Many had voluptuous hips and huge breasts which often hung out of awe-inspiring lacy bras. Most had beautiful faces and oversized, inviting lips, and they were surrounded by guys at the bar flirting and seducing them. Most of the t-girls at Divas had not had the bottom surgery. They still had their male parts, because that’s what the guys want.

· Full-time trans women — non-working girls: I love the fact that the non-working girls hung out in the same place as the working girls — made it really interesting and fun. These girls were from all walks of life, were generally extremely intelligent, and many previously had high powered guy jobs like construction, lawyers, prison guards, executives, etc. And there was an unusually large number from the military (I met Green Berets, navy divers). I found them to be super interesting and easy to speak with. The older ones tended to be on the quiet side and tended to have a very deep, emotional perspective on life. The younger ones were a mix — some quiet, some wild party girls. And there were many very quiet girls who lived a very conservative lifestyle, but just wanted to be around other trans folks and those who love us.

· Part-time trans women — on their way to becoming full time: There were many girls who were only part-time because they had to work as a man to earn money, or they hadn’t completed the transition process, or were starting out, or just weren’t sure if they wanted to transition. They enjoyed coming to Divas to meet other girls, or just to get all dressed up, to build confidence, to meet other girls and talk about hormones and surgery, etc. (It’s sad that some trans woman told me that there is no such thing as a part time trans woman and resented that I even suggested it and had their friends gang up and attack me online. Wow….)

· Part-time trans women who planned to remain part time: A lot of the girls just wanted to be women socially because it was a lot of fun. Some just wanted to wear sexy clothes, some just wanted to feel like a woman, others wanted to be kinky. And some identified as autogynephilic (A man who gets turned on by the idea of himself as a woman) — a controversial term. There was a huge variation in this group — some were attracted to men, some to women, some to t-girls, some to all-of-the-above.

There are so many variations and shades of gray, I couldn’t possibly list them all — each person is unique, so it really is impossible to create definitive categories.

And the men that came had a lot of variety too. Many just wanted to see something interesting, but had no sexual interest in the girls. This included many tourists, many of whom came with their girlfriends or wives. Groups of women came too. Some men came to get laid — most wanted to top the girls, some would also want to suck the girls off, and a few of the men wanted to be a bottom with the girls (an arrangement which was more rare). Some were really nice and clean, and some were total pigs.

It was a huge spectrum.

So which one of the these are trans? Can you be part-time trans? Which ones are non-binary? Which ones are cross dressers? Who knows. Does it really matter that much?

What mattered was that people were having fun, expressing themselves, and learning a lot of about other people and about themselves as they evolved. It was real. We rarely debated what these various terms meant, it just wasn’t really that important. On the rare occasion when we did talk about terms, it was a very lite conversation — we thought of terminology as more of a guideline. There was no sense of ownership of the terms — because we were enjoying each other’s company.

This is what it was like to meet interesting people in real life. Which is in stark contrast to online, where it often feels like we’re in some kind of contest to win an award for the most votes. Or where we fight for our identity, and where the terms become overly important in order to break through the online noise and participate in a conversation that uses these terms. Or because we don’t want to be associated with somebody who is using the same term (e.g. some trans woman are very sexual and some aren’t). As we all known, this can be very unhealthy in a fast-paced online world as certain people fight for likes, votes, etc.

I personally started out as a Part Time Trans Woman who planned to remain part time, but then I started moving in the full-time direction. Socially, I’m pretty much full time, but when I’m sitting at home, I don’t bother to get dressed up any more than a lot of cis-women do. I might just throw on a pair of jeans or I might throw on something more feminine depending on my mood. How far I go depends on where my life takes me. Am I non-binary? Am I trans? And furthermore, my motivation is largely because people like me better as a woman, not because I need to be a woman. This is in contrast to many trans women who always felt like women. Are they more trans than me? Do I have the right to call myself trans, or should I call myself non-binary? When I started, I never even heard of the world non-binary, I’m not sure if it even existed back then. I first heard the term non-binary at my first Burning Man in 2018. I call myself trans, because I always have. Should I change that as the terminology has change? Do I need to change that or is it my choice? I also like a more balanced male/female approach to things in life and at work, so in that respect I’m definitely non-binary. But I rather socialize as a woman. I also perform only as a woman (I play piano/guitar/sing in NYC).

These questions are all pretty legitimate. So, this is complicated. But one thing that is not complicated is I have no interest in engaging with assholes, and it’s pretty obvious when somebody is an asshole. I’ve met many cis and trans people who are interested in understanding the differences in views and positively talk about it treating people as humans. I’ve also met many cis and trans people who are full of bile and venom when discussing the topic and feel that their viewpoint is right and anybody who differs should be canceled and go to hell. Yes, trans people are also capable of being vile people, and just like other people some use their struggles as an excuse for their asshole behavior. The possibility of being an asshole spans all demographics. When I run across such people, I try to remind myself that people’s attitude is largely about their state of confidence, fulfillment, and ability to engage openly without going to the Dark Side (e.g. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs)…the trans topic is just how this manifests.

There are so many interesting people and lifestyles to discover in the REAL world and it works really well when we keep it positive when engaging with people. Have fun…cheers!

Link to the book: https://www.mariakonner.com/new-book